The show must go on

I read an interview with Kenneth Branagh (One time famous English 'luvvie' actor / director) a few years ago and it really stuck in my mind what he said about his work: 'Every morning when I walk to work I feel physically sick.'

Whilst I don't feel quite that bad, every day before teaching I feel pretty nervous about going up there and doing it. It does feel less like a performance now (only been teaching properly for about 6 months) but still I feel a bit wobbly beforehand. I think this is because most of what I do here is lecturing and spoon-feeding, rather than more interactive group work and mutual respect / fun.

9 times out of 10 once I get started I am fine, the bravado takes over and you battle your way through. The worst thing is being in a bad mood and short tempered, once you get pissed off the students just find it funny and down you go! Today I was in that state already, and worsened by a few students pretty much refusing to work. As it takes two to tango there’s not too much to be gained there apart from fruitless hectoring, moaning at them and afterward resolving never to do so again. (Until the next time) Moaning and bad moods never work.

I think my biggest fear is not being listened to and ignored, which says more about my ego than any teaching skills I might have. But like all big fears they are rarely fully realised, and even when they are you see that they aren't that big a deal and you can always get through ok.

So why do it? Well it can be a real buzz and a challenge with kids like these, so it's lovely when things go well and the students are nice, when you have fun and they get it. And when they give me cigarettes after class. Comfort is gained also by the words of a much missed teaching friend of mine; ‘You’ll never have a teaching job this hard again.’ If I do I will jack it all in and become a Paranormal Researcher, which I might just do anyhoo if I knew anything about it. (That’s the other impossible dream, but probably easier than teaching this lot)